Withered

You creep into my mind
When I least expect it
Withering my heart, my body, my soul...
Into broken glass, into dust, into nothing.


I hate this.

xxx
Talia

Sliding off my Tongue

Isn’t it sad that the only reason why I hated hurting myself was because of the paranoia that came along with doing so? The constant fear that one of my family members may see the scars, or the new cuts tracing my upper arm (and if I was having a really bad day my lower arm as well), when I get out of the shower ,or when my cardigan would slip off my shoulder. I swear, in those moments I faced fear right in the eyes, because my anxiety and paranoia was eating me whole for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But when it came to school, it didn’t matter who saw. Which also makes me sad; because that means that no one really cared enough to say anything. And the ones who did say something, were loud and obnoxious about it, and made me want to cut their throat open for making me feel so bad, and putting me in a predicament so complicated with the mere sentence “Do you cut yourself?” hanging in the air by a thin string that no one else could cut but me- and that was the only thing I couldn’t cut. And around this time last year, I’m sure my arms would be covered in thin cuts, that I would never be too satisfied with, and I’m not saying I still do not wish that upon me. Of course I do, because I am unfortunately stuck in this frame of mind that is allowing me to believe that the only way I can feel better, the only way I can feel something, the only way I can cope with this underlying sadness is if I hurt myself physically. Of course I wish my arms, and legs were coated in deep cuts, but my paranoia is preventing me from reaching this fucked up goal, and I never had such a love and hate relationship with my mind like I do now. I’m just so god damn scared of what will be. 

xxx
Talia

Dead & Gone (pretty fucking morbid title)

And despite the change in the year number
It still feels like 730 days ago
With new skin open
Sad melodies playing
Anxiety gnawing at my heart
But with the exception of you gone
And that's what kills me in the end.


xxx
Talia

My Rambles Aren't Beautiful

Jet black hair
Slicked back with gel 
Only to have one piece of hair 
Fall loose in your face 
Tired eyes 
And a devious smirk 
I don’t know if you saw me 
Probably not 
I wouldn't have had the balls 
To have said hello anyway 
Oh well 
I liked your rugged appearance 
That’s okay 
You were just keen on the eyes 
You probably wouldn't have found me 
As intriguing 
As I did you 
It’s all up the stars.

xxx

Talia

A Puff of Rebellion

And I think I will remember that day
Like I remember the back of my hand
Because we were so stupid
But the best kind of stupid
The teenage kind of stupid
She stole a cigarette from her mother's pack of Red Marlboro
Or was it her father's Blue Parliament?
I was too nervous to pay that much attention
We walked a few blocks
And it was so goddamn cold out
That I couldn't feel my feet
And we couldn't get the cigarette to light for the life of us
The wind blowing out the flame from the lighter
Not strong enough to get the fag going
1 try, 2 tries, 3 tries, 10 tries, 13 tries...
Bingo!
It lit
She took the first drag
And passed it to me
Entering my lungs
I crinkled my noise
She flicked it into the snow
"Not for now," I said
She smiled, and agreed
"Not for now."

xxx

Talia

The Air of Alcohol

1 drink
2 drinks
3 drinks
4
I wish it was me who was digesting the amount of alcohol 
That was delivered in pretty glass cups
I have to drain the poison from my veins and mind instead
Sweaty bodies all around
Loose grins
And awkward swaying
I close my eyes gently
And try to ignore the stinging behind them 
And the pounding of my heart 
I want to go
Instead I dance
And I pretend nothing bothers me 
And that the music isn’t suffocating 
I ask for a coke

When I could have asked for whiskey.

xxx

Talia

Sick

Composed mainly of
Chosen scars
Anonymous bruises
And unwanted stretchmarks
I live in skin
I constantly criticize
With probing fingers
Raining eyes
And words so poisonous
My mind becomes ill

I no longer know how to mend myself.

xxx

Talia