Dead & Gone (pretty fucking morbid title)

And despite the change in the year number
It still feels like 730 days ago
With new skin open
Sad melodies playing
Anxiety gnawing at my heart
But with the exception of you gone
And that's what kills me in the end.


xxx
Talia

My Rambles Aren't Beautiful

Jet black hair
Slicked back with gel 
Only to have one piece of hair 
Fall loose in your face 
Tired eyes 
And a devious smirk 
I don’t know if you saw me 
Probably not 
I wouldn't have had the balls 
To have said hello anyway 
Oh well 
I liked your rugged appearance 
That’s okay 
You were just keen on the eyes 
You probably wouldn't have found me 
As intriguing 
As I did you 
It’s all up the stars.

xxx

Talia

A Puff of Rebellion

And I think I will remember that day
Like I remember the back of my hand
Because we were so stupid
But the best kind of stupid
The teenage kind of stupid
She stole a cigarette from her mother's pack of Red Marlboro
Or was it her father's Blue Parliament?
I was too nervous to pay that much attention
We walked a few blocks
And it was so goddamn cold out
That I couldn't feel my feet
And we couldn't get the cigarette to light for the life of us
The wind blowing out the flame from the lighter
Not strong enough to get the fag going
1 try, 2 tries, 3 tries, 10 tries, 13 tries...
Bingo!
It lit
She took the first drag
And passed it to me
Entering my lungs
I crinkled my noise
She flicked it into the snow
"Not for now," I said
She smiled, and agreed
"Not for now."

xxx

Talia

The Air of Alcohol

1 drink
2 drinks
3 drinks
4
I wish it was me who was digesting the amount of alcohol 
That was delivered in pretty glass cups
I have to drain the poison from my veins and mind instead
Sweaty bodies all around
Loose grins
And awkward swaying
I close my eyes gently
And try to ignore the stinging behind them 
And the pounding of my heart 
I want to go
Instead I dance
And I pretend nothing bothers me 
And that the music isn’t suffocating 
I ask for a coke

When I could have asked for whiskey.

xxx

Talia

Sick

Composed mainly of
Chosen scars
Anonymous bruises
And unwanted stretchmarks
I live in skin
I constantly criticize
With probing fingers
Raining eyes
And words so poisonous
My mind becomes ill

I no longer know how to mend myself.

xxx

Talia

Dandelion

1
The grass is always green in the winter
And you can smell the dandelions
Sprouting from the numbing snow
2
Nimble fingers touch the stem of a dandelion
Placing it behind the ear of a lover
Silently weeping
3
Tiny feet run through the fields
Scuffed up sneakers
Stepping defeatingly on a lone dandelion
4
Black daunting skies, melting onto dandelions
That are budding around gray tombstones
Life growing, where corpses lay
5
Dandelions inbetween the keyboards an old fashioned typewriter
As a drunken artist clumsily construes illogical sentences
6
Frightful voices living inside the walls
Of a house with dandelion floorboards
From a vase assidously broken into tiny glass particles
7
Living outside a windowsill
Next to coffee mug with a cigarette drowning itself
The owner unknown, dying somewhere
8
A girl with tangled brown hair
Pulls at the small petals carefully
He loves her, he loves her not
9
Make a wish
On a dandelion
But it won't come true
10
Swallow a dandelion whole
Allow it to digest
Happiness will warm you
11
The Devil once said
That dandelions don't burn
In the firey pits of hell
12
compressed between the yellowed pages
Of a book with big words
Better than any doggy ear
13
Woven in the wheels
Of your banana boat bike
Taking you places you've never gone before

xxx

Talia

16 Candles

I feel like I haven't written a normal blog post in ages. Not like anyone in the world is reading this. The views on my blog correspond to how alone I've been feeling lately. Which is really fucking alone, pardon my French. I feel so broken, and there is no eloquent way I can put this. My words are jumbled, and confusing. My range of vocabulary words are at a  minimum, my bad thoughts taking too much space in my head. I try to write- poems, stories...it's like my heart isn't into it anymore. That breaks me even more.
There are 11 more days until my 16th birthday, and I wish that there wasn't. It's going to be shit, I know it. No dad. No grandma. Who do I even have anymore? In the end there's only me, and I really don't like who I am. So then who's going to be kind to me? I most certainly am not. I've been in so much pain lately, how can I not take that pain and reflect it on my body? I'm fucking sick and twisted, but I am even more sick and twisted for wishing I can cause more pain. It's always in the back of my mind. Deeper
deeper,



deeper, 




deeper...


fuck. 

I fear I have lost it
xxx
Talia