Wishful Wishing

Tomorrow's your birthday
You were supposed to blow out
17 candles
But I see no light
And I'm crying
With only a towel wrapped around my body
Because I miss you with every fiber in me
Please come back
To at least blow out your candles
Please?

xxx
Talia

Ghost

My soul
Is a haunted house
That everyone is too afraid to crawl into
With foaming mouths
Blood-shot eyes
I look into the hearts of others
And rip into their skin
Wanting to taste their stories
And wanting to digest their love
Until it stings my pores
I cry out
With tears forming around the corners of my lips
I want to die
Because you are a ghost
And I am a haunted house
But I can't feel you anymore
You're gone
You're gone
You're gone
You're gone.



Bye.


xxx
~Talia~

For Emily. I love you. I miss you. You're forever settled in my heart.

Damsel in Distress

I am not a Damsel in Distress

I do not want to be saved 

By a boy with bags under his eyes

And prominent veins 

With a smile that drains the blood from my face 

I do not want to be saved 

By a therapist with a beak for a nose

And glasses with fake lenses 

With a bill of $100 after every session

I do not want to be saved 

By a God who may not exist

And become disappointed 

When it is my time to leave and there is only darkness

They

can 

Help

Along

the 

way

But only I can stitch up the wounds

I have opened.

Cry Baby

I don't deserve love.
Anxiety swallowed me whole
And spit me out into my mother's arms
Crying with breath shortage
And a crushed heart
She held me
And the tears stained her shirt
As she nuzzled my head in the crook of her arm
Whispering for me to calm down
Smoothing down my hair



When I turned the shower on later
It was only so that the sound of the lighter going off wasn't heard
As I ran the flame against an unusable bobby pin
Pressed against my arms straight after
The burning sensation
Never leaves me
And I cry for my mother.

Stripped

I knelt on the bathroom floor 
Nude, and saturated 
With burns on my arms
I smelled through all of your old cologne 
Hidden beneath the sink 
And I closed my eyes tightly 
For eternity.


xxx
Talia

Withered

You creep into my mind
When I least expect it
Withering my heart, my body, my soul...
Into broken glass, into dust, into nothing.


I hate this.

xxx
Talia

Sliding off my Tongue

Isn’t it sad that the only reason why I hated hurting myself was because of the paranoia that came along with doing so? The constant fear that one of my family members may see the scars, or the new cuts tracing my upper arm (and if I was having a really bad day my lower arm as well), when I get out of the shower ,or when my cardigan would slip off my shoulder. I swear, in those moments I faced fear right in the eyes, because my anxiety and paranoia was eating me whole for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But when it came to school, it didn’t matter who saw. Which also makes me sad; because that means that no one really cared enough to say anything. And the ones who did say something, were loud and obnoxious about it, and made me want to cut their throat open for making me feel so bad, and putting me in a predicament so complicated with the mere sentence “Do you cut yourself?” hanging in the air by a thin string that no one else could cut but me- and that was the only thing I couldn’t cut. And around this time last year, I’m sure my arms would be covered in thin cuts, that I would never be too satisfied with, and I’m not saying I still do not wish that upon me. Of course I do, because I am unfortunately stuck in this frame of mind that is allowing me to believe that the only way I can feel better, the only way I can feel something, the only way I can cope with this underlying sadness is if I hurt myself physically. Of course I wish my arms, and legs were coated in deep cuts, but my paranoia is preventing me from reaching this fucked up goal, and I never had such a love and hate relationship with my mind like I do now. I’m just so god damn scared of what will be. 

xxx
Talia

Dead & Gone (pretty fucking morbid title)

And despite the change in the year number
It still feels like 730 days ago
With new skin open
Sad melodies playing
Anxiety gnawing at my heart
But with the exception of you gone
And that's what kills me in the end.


xxx
Talia

My Rambles Aren't Beautiful

Jet black hair
Slicked back with gel 
Only to have one piece of hair 
Fall loose in your face 
Tired eyes 
And a devious smirk 
I don’t know if you saw me 
Probably not 
I wouldn't have had the balls 
To have said hello anyway 
Oh well 
I liked your rugged appearance 
That’s okay 
You were just keen on the eyes 
You probably wouldn't have found me 
As intriguing 
As I did you 
It’s all up the stars.

xxx

Talia

A Puff of Rebellion

And I think I will remember that day
Like I remember the back of my hand
Because we were so stupid
But the best kind of stupid
The teenage kind of stupid
She stole a cigarette from her mother's pack of Red Marlboro
Or was it her father's Blue Parliament?
I was too nervous to pay that much attention
We walked a few blocks
And it was so goddamn cold out
That I couldn't feel my feet
And we couldn't get the cigarette to light for the life of us
The wind blowing out the flame from the lighter
Not strong enough to get the fag going
1 try, 2 tries, 3 tries, 10 tries, 13 tries...
Bingo!
It lit
She took the first drag
And passed it to me
Entering my lungs
I crinkled my noise
She flicked it into the snow
"Not for now," I said
She smiled, and agreed
"Not for now."

xxx

Talia

The Air of Alcohol

1 drink
2 drinks
3 drinks
4
I wish it was me who was digesting the amount of alcohol 
That was delivered in pretty glass cups
I have to drain the poison from my veins and mind instead
Sweaty bodies all around
Loose grins
And awkward swaying
I close my eyes gently
And try to ignore the stinging behind them 
And the pounding of my heart 
I want to go
Instead I dance
And I pretend nothing bothers me 
And that the music isn’t suffocating 
I ask for a coke

When I could have asked for whiskey.

xxx

Talia

Sick

Composed mainly of
Chosen scars
Anonymous bruises
And unwanted stretchmarks
I live in skin
I constantly criticize
With probing fingers
Raining eyes
And words so poisonous
My mind becomes ill

I no longer know how to mend myself.

xxx

Talia

Dandelion

1
The grass is always green in the winter
And you can smell the dandelions
Sprouting from the numbing snow
2
Nimble fingers touch the stem of a dandelion
Placing it behind the ear of a lover
Silently weeping
3
Tiny feet run through the fields
Scuffed up sneakers
Stepping defeatingly on a lone dandelion
4
Black daunting skies, melting onto dandelions
That are budding around gray tombstones
Life growing, where corpses lay
5
Dandelions inbetween the keyboards an old fashioned typewriter
As a drunken artist clumsily construes illogical sentences
6
Frightful voices living inside the walls
Of a house with dandelion floorboards
From a vase assidously broken into tiny glass particles
7
Living outside a windowsill
Next to coffee mug with a cigarette drowning itself
The owner unknown, dying somewhere
8
A girl with tangled brown hair
Pulls at the small petals carefully
He loves her, he loves her not
9
Make a wish
On a dandelion
But it won't come true
10
Swallow a dandelion whole
Allow it to digest
Happiness will warm you
11
The Devil once said
That dandelions don't burn
In the firey pits of hell
12
compressed between the yellowed pages
Of a book with big words
Better than any doggy ear
13
Woven in the wheels
Of your banana boat bike
Taking you places you've never gone before

xxx

Talia

16 Candles

I feel like I haven't written a normal blog post in ages. Not like anyone in the world is reading this. The views on my blog correspond to how alone I've been feeling lately. Which is really fucking alone, pardon my French. I feel so broken, and there is no eloquent way I can put this. My words are jumbled, and confusing. My range of vocabulary words are at a  minimum, my bad thoughts taking too much space in my head. I try to write- poems, stories...it's like my heart isn't into it anymore. That breaks me even more.
There are 11 more days until my 16th birthday, and I wish that there wasn't. It's going to be shit, I know it. No dad. No grandma. Who do I even have anymore? In the end there's only me, and I really don't like who I am. So then who's going to be kind to me? I most certainly am not. I've been in so much pain lately, how can I not take that pain and reflect it on my body? I'm fucking sick and twisted, but I am even more sick and twisted for wishing I can cause more pain. It's always in the back of my mind. Deeper
deeper,



deeper, 




deeper...


fuck. 

I fear I have lost it
xxx
Talia

I Don't Need the World

I don't want the stars in the sky
Or the pearls in the ocean
Just give me a clipped flower
From your garden
And I will cry from happiness

xxx

Talia

What I Imagine Love to Be

You caress me the way a pianist caress's his keyboards
Always gentle
And always creating something beautiful
God must have crafted your hands for days
Because I don't understand
How they can have so much effect
As your fingers trace my lips
The outline of my jawline
My jutting collarbones
And the beauty marks traveling my body
I swear, you are magic
Creating sparks with every stroke
I want you to ignite me.

xxx

Talia

Survival of the Weakest

Summer was always my favorite season
Until you decided to leave me in the month of August
The preparations were quick
And I couldn't keep up with everyone else's despondency
At your wake the main focus was God
And I laughed at the ministers accent, to take some of the pain away
Only to be chastised by mother
It was your funeral that made me choke on my tears
As I shakily walked up to the alter
And spoke of God, with a wavering voice
Even though I wished it was you I spoke of
Sometimes God is selfish that way
And I remember being given a white rose
Or was it red?
Forgetting is almost as painful as remembering
Remembering is almost as painful as forgetting
Vanilla tea
Blue eyeliner
Translucent skin
Swollen legs
Crooked bottom teeth
The white walls of a hospital whose smell makes me sick
Surgical masks, and latex gloves
Big comfy couch
Nelly Nelly with the belly full of jelly
Hot chocolate
20/20 on late at night
Christmas decorations
Lard bread and Crab sauce
Your kind words
Your name on my caller ID
Your hand in mine, squeezing tightly
Your undying love
I don't want to forget
They say that time heals all wounds
But the absence of you
Has created a wound so profound
That I don't understand how anyone survives this.
xxx
~Talia~

Ribbons

I'm slowly unraveling
Like the ribbons
Your mother used to tie in your hair
At 6 am in the morning
Only to fall loose at recess
When you chase the boys
Who are afraid of your cooties
Around the playground
You wind up kissing them
On the tips of their noses
And the ribbon
Is already taken away by the wind.

xxx

Talia

Love is Skin Deep

He wants me to love him

Articulating his words

In a way

So that they tighten around me

Like thick cords

He sees me

For what I am not

Beautiful

Kind

Eloquent

He believes he adores me

Because of my gold tendrils

Soft brown eyes

Creamy skin

And curves lining my thighs

He wants me to love him

But I could never love

Someone like him

I’m sorry

But I’m drowning

And I need to save myself

Before it’s too late.

xxx

Talia

P.S.

I love you so much Talia and Elise. Thank you for everything.

I want someone to kiss my collarbones
To count the beauty marks all over my skin
And to tangle their fingers in my fine hair
But I am too much of a horrible person
To deserve any of this.
xxx
Talia