Sometimes I forget how much I loathe the way my body looks until it's early in the morning, and the sun beams through my window and I am able to truly see the horrible acne on my skin, and the disgusting cellulite coating my legs and bum.
And on days like today, I look myself in the mirror and say, "Alright, it's time to do something about this."
And then I go and stuff my face with 9 pizza bagels.
I don't know if this post is supposed to be funny or sad. Or both. I'm leaning more towards the sad bit, because I feel absolutely horrendous about myself now, and in all honesty, I probably won't do anything about it.

/I wish I could accept this. 

xxx

Talia

Please

Oh my God, please don't take her away from me. I love her too much. I need her too much.

xxx

Talia

Old Habits Die Hard

And just because I haven't fallen back into my old habits thanks to the summer heat and the more revealing clothing, doesn't mean that I'm getting better. Most days I feel like I'm just getting worse. Once again, no one fucking gives a shit. So it's not like it even matters. They were little scratches anyway. No big fuck. Maybe I'll grow some balls soon and get a real razor. God I fucking hate talking about this shit,  but if I kept it all inside, then I'd be dead already. It's not like anyone reads these anyway. Once again...no one fucking gives a shit. 

I'm a Bad Person

Sometimes I believe that there is not one single person in this world who truly, truly cares about me.
And sometimes I believe that there is not one single person in this world who I truly, truly care about.
I'm a bad person.
Nothing I do is right.
Everyone would be better off without me.
I just know it.

Nightmares

You called me late one night
And I picked up the phone with sweaty palms, and a racing heart
For I woke up from a horrible nightmare
Your voice was soft through the crackles of  the phone
As you told me of your pain that kept you from sleeping
And even though it hurt me to see you this sad
I sighed with relief
Because my nightmare of losing you
Was only just a nightmare for now

Razor

I can't find my razor anywhere
I've hidden it well from others
And now I have hidden it well from myself
I don't know if not remembering
Is good or bad
Right now I'm still searching for the damned thing.

xxx

Talia

         I don't know why I don't have the capability to open up to anyone. I keep all of this negativity inside of me, and it's acidic tendencies are slowly eating away at my insides, making me feel so hollow. I have many good days, and many bad days, so does that mean I'm not depressed? I feel better in the summer time. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact that I am spending a vacation away from not only the extreme pressure of school, but also the extreme pressure of my blade.
        But it is days like today in which I hate myself for not having thousands and thousands of deep gashes coating my arms, legs, and stomach. I am so disappointed in myself. I can't even self-mutilate myself correctly. Fuck me.
         I've become such a cliche, that I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't know who I even am anymore.
         I don't know if I am okay, or if I am on the verge of slipping further and further away each and everyday.
         I don't want help. I don't want anything. Or is it the fact that I want something, but I just don't know what that something is yet?

       

Prune Fingers

Prune fingers

Are the best kind

Because that is when you know 

That the water loves you

Just as much as you love it.

xxx

Talia

Am I Insane?

I hate how I've spent years
Causing so much damage
On my arms, legs, and stomach
And after all of the months that have passed
Trying to get better
There is nothing left to remind me of who I once was
And that is enough to make me go insane.