Dandelion

1
The grass is always green in the winter
And you can smell the dandelions
Sprouting from the numbing snow
2
Nimble fingers touch the stem of a dandelion
Placing it behind the ear of a lover
Silently weeping
3
Tiny feet run through the fields
Scuffed up sneakers
Stepping defeatingly on a lone dandelion
4
Black daunting skies, melting onto dandelions
That are budding around gray tombstones
Life growing, where corpses lay
5
Dandelions inbetween the keyboards an old fashioned typewriter
As a drunken artist clumsily construes illogical sentences
6
Frightful voices living inside the walls
Of a house with dandelion floorboards
From a vase assidously broken into tiny glass particles
7
Living outside a windowsill
Next to coffee mug with a cigarette drowning itself
The owner unknown, dying somewhere
8
A girl with tangled brown hair
Pulls at the small petals carefully
He loves her, he loves her not
9
Make a wish
On a dandelion
But it won't come true
10
Swallow a dandelion whole
Allow it to digest
Happiness will warm you
11
The Devil once said
That dandelions don't burn
In the firey pits of hell
12
compressed between the yellowed pages
Of a book with big words
Better than any doggy ear
13
Woven in the wheels
Of your banana boat bike
Taking you places you've never gone before

xxx

Talia

16 Candles

I feel like I haven't written a normal blog post in ages. Not like anyone in the world is reading this. The views on my blog correspond to how alone I've been feeling lately. Which is really fucking alone, pardon my French. I feel so broken, and there is no eloquent way I can put this. My words are jumbled, and confusing. My range of vocabulary words are at a  minimum, my bad thoughts taking too much space in my head. I try to write- poems, stories...it's like my heart isn't into it anymore. That breaks me even more.
There are 11 more days until my 16th birthday, and I wish that there wasn't. It's going to be shit, I know it. No dad. No grandma. Who do I even have anymore? In the end there's only me, and I really don't like who I am. So then who's going to be kind to me? I most certainly am not. I've been in so much pain lately, how can I not take that pain and reflect it on my body? I'm fucking sick and twisted, but I am even more sick and twisted for wishing I can cause more pain. It's always in the back of my mind. Deeper
deeper,



deeper, 




deeper...


fuck. 

I fear I have lost it
xxx
Talia

I Don't Need the World

I don't want the stars in the sky
Or the pearls in the ocean
Just give me a clipped flower
From your garden
And I will cry from happiness

xxx

Talia

What I Imagine Love to Be

You caress me the way a pianist caress's his keyboards
Always gentle
And always creating something beautiful
God must have crafted your hands for days
Because I don't understand
How they can have so much effect
As your fingers trace my lips
The outline of my jawline
My jutting collarbones
And the beauty marks traveling my body
I swear, you are magic
Creating sparks with every stroke
I want you to ignite me.

xxx

Talia

Survival of the Weakest

Summer was always my favorite season
Until you decided to leave me in the month of August
The preparations were quick
And I couldn't keep up with everyone else's despondency
At your wake the main focus was God
And I laughed at the ministers accent, to take some of the pain away
Only to be chastised by mother
It was your funeral that made me choke on my tears
As I shakily walked up to the alter
And spoke of God, with a wavering voice
Even though I wished it was you I spoke of
Sometimes God is selfish that way
And I remember being given a white rose
Or was it red?
Forgetting is almost as painful as remembering
Remembering is almost as painful as forgetting
Vanilla tea
Blue eyeliner
Translucent skin
Swollen legs
Crooked bottom teeth
The white walls of a hospital whose smell makes me sick
Surgical masks, and latex gloves
Big comfy couch
Nelly Nelly with the belly full of jelly
Hot chocolate
20/20 on late at night
Christmas decorations
Lard bread and Crab sauce
Your kind words
Your name on my caller ID
Your hand in mine, squeezing tightly
Your undying love
I don't want to forget
They say that time heals all wounds
But the absence of you
Has created a wound so profound
That I don't understand how anyone survives this.
xxx
~Talia~

Ribbons

I'm slowly unraveling
Like the ribbons
Your mother used to tie in your hair
At 6 am in the morning
Only to fall loose at recess
When you chase the boys
Who are afraid of your cooties
Around the playground
You wind up kissing them
On the tips of their noses
And the ribbon
Is already taken away by the wind.

xxx

Talia

Love is Skin Deep

He wants me to love him

Articulating his words

In a way

So that they tighten around me

Like thick cords

He sees me

For what I am not

Beautiful

Kind

Eloquent

He believes he adores me

Because of my gold tendrils

Soft brown eyes

Creamy skin

And curves lining my thighs

He wants me to love him

But I could never love

Someone like him

I’m sorry

But I’m drowning

And I need to save myself

Before it’s too late.

xxx

Talia

P.S.

I love you so much Talia and Elise. Thank you for everything.

I want someone to kiss my collarbones
To count the beauty marks all over my skin
And to tangle their fingers in my fine hair
But I am too much of a horrible person
To deserve any of this.
xxx
Talia

Wounds

We wear our hospital bracelets

Like it’s the latest trend

Our too thin gowns

Are tied behind our backs, like a super hero cape

And our stitched up cuts

Branded as war wounds

From a battle that was long fought

And won in the end

And your war wounds

Are kissed every night

By a warm set of lips

That will always be pressed against your skin

It’s all kinds of amazing

To be loved by someone- anyone

But it is also all kinds of amazing

To be loved by yourself

So after they kissed your scars

And tucked you in at night

Remind yourself

That you are your own hero

And don’t forget

To kiss yourself goodnight

Before your head hits the pillow

And you wander into a world of no pain. 

xxx

Talia

Lazy Sundays

I hate lazy Sundays. I don't understand why, when I know so many people who prefer it over any other day. But I crave excitement in my life- need it. Something always needs to be happening, in order for me to have a good time. Today, my eyes are burning from being on  the computer all day, and my hands are tiring from the constant turning of my records. Even my over sized sweater seems to be suffocating me. I want to go outside, and feel the cool breeze against my face. But I am unfortunately stuck inside. Another lazy Sunday.

xxx
Talia

Summer 2013

I can name you about a 1,000 reasons why this summer sucked. Maybe more. I could probably fill a whole entire bible with all of my reasoning's. I can go back to every single fight that took place, all of the yelling, all of the tears, every single unkind word spoken, and every single time our hearts broke a little- I can rename it all for you, spread it out on the floor like a jigsaw puzzle. But why in the world would I want to do that? Why would I want to relive all of the pain that I've been through? There's no way I would ever want to do such a thing.
Summer 2013 was one of the worst summer's of my life. And I'm pretty sure this new school year won't be too pretty either. Better get my razors handy, huh?

xxx
Talia

Good Days Aren't So Good When You're Me

Most days I feel shitty and lonely.
And these are my good days.
xxx
Talia

Sometimes I forget how much I loathe the way my body looks until it's early in the morning, and the sun beams through my window and I am able to truly see the horrible acne on my skin, and the disgusting cellulite coating my legs and bum.
And on days like today, I look myself in the mirror and say, "Alright, it's time to do something about this."
And then I go and stuff my face with 9 pizza bagels.
I don't know if this post is supposed to be funny or sad. Or both. I'm leaning more towards the sad bit, because I feel absolutely horrendous about myself now, and in all honesty, I probably won't do anything about it.

/I wish I could accept this. 

xxx

Talia

Please

Oh my God, please don't take her away from me. I love her too much. I need her too much.

xxx

Talia

Old Habits Die Hard

And just because I haven't fallen back into my old habits thanks to the summer heat and the more revealing clothing, doesn't mean that I'm getting better. Most days I feel like I'm just getting worse. Once again, no one fucking gives a shit. So it's not like it even matters. They were little scratches anyway. No big fuck. Maybe I'll grow some balls soon and get a real razor. God I fucking hate talking about this shit,  but if I kept it all inside, then I'd be dead already. It's not like anyone reads these anyway. Once again...no one fucking gives a shit. 

I'm a Bad Person

Sometimes I believe that there is not one single person in this world who truly, truly cares about me.
And sometimes I believe that there is not one single person in this world who I truly, truly care about.
I'm a bad person.
Nothing I do is right.
Everyone would be better off without me.
I just know it.

Nightmares

You called me late one night
And I picked up the phone with sweaty palms, and a racing heart
For I woke up from a horrible nightmare
Your voice was soft through the crackles of  the phone
As you told me of your pain that kept you from sleeping
And even though it hurt me to see you this sad
I sighed with relief
Because my nightmare of losing you
Was only just a nightmare for now

Razor

I can't find my razor anywhere
I've hidden it well from others
And now I have hidden it well from myself
I don't know if not remembering
Is good or bad
Right now I'm still searching for the damned thing.

xxx

Talia

         I don't know why I don't have the capability to open up to anyone. I keep all of this negativity inside of me, and it's acidic tendencies are slowly eating away at my insides, making me feel so hollow. I have many good days, and many bad days, so does that mean I'm not depressed? I feel better in the summer time. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact that I am spending a vacation away from not only the extreme pressure of school, but also the extreme pressure of my blade.
        But it is days like today in which I hate myself for not having thousands and thousands of deep gashes coating my arms, legs, and stomach. I am so disappointed in myself. I can't even self-mutilate myself correctly. Fuck me.
         I've become such a cliche, that I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't know who I even am anymore.
         I don't know if I am okay, or if I am on the verge of slipping further and further away each and everyday.
         I don't want help. I don't want anything. Or is it the fact that I want something, but I just don't know what that something is yet?

       

Prune Fingers

Prune fingers

Are the best kind

Because that is when you know 

That the water loves you

Just as much as you love it.

xxx

Talia

Am I Insane?

I hate how I've spent years
Causing so much damage
On my arms, legs, and stomach
And after all of the months that have passed
Trying to get better
There is nothing left to remind me of who I once was
And that is enough to make me go insane.

Jazz Decadence

I've made some new friends
They're smooth music smooths me
Too bad they're all dead now.

xxx

Talia

Black & Blue

Her knobby knees
Peeks through
Her short skirt
Her legs decorated
With black and blues
And he kisses them
As she cries
And he tells her stories
Of knights and damsel's in distresses
Who have suffered just as much as she
And with a sniffle and the crackle of a band-aid
Everything is fixed.

xxx

Talia

I am desperate for love
But boys don't like girls
Who have dirt underneath their fingernail
And stubble on their legs
Boys don't like girls
Who adorn fat cheeks
And have small gaps in between their two front teeth
Boys don't like girls
Who cry when someone touches them softly
And those who don't ever want to wake up in the morning, fearing what the day might bring
Boys don't like girls
That are like me.
It is that simple.
                                                               

xxx

Talia

The Heat is Suffocating Me, This Apartment is Too Small

I want to punch my fist into a wall.

I hate everyone and everything. 

I just want to cry. 

I feel so drained.

If               I                 Continued               This              List               It               Would                                

Be             Too           Long.

xxx

Talia

                                                                     

I Hate Rain Analogies

The rain pounds rigorously
Almost as rigorously
As the sadness pounds against my heart
I'm afraid of being crushed.

xxx

Talia

I Can Not Satisfy Myself

Tonight is especially bad
I crave horrible pain with every fiber inside of me.

xxx

Talia

Cancer Feasts Upon Us All

The cancer is eating her alive
She is becoming so cruel
Letting any foul words fall out of her mouth
Not even bothering biting her tongue
And I cry until my throat is sore and my eyes are red
The sad part is
It was not even for her
But because of her
How selfish am I.

xxx

Talia

I Fucking Hate Everyone

Everyone makes me want to kill myself.
Everything makes me want to kill myself.

Sad People Don't Believe in God

I don't know

How some people are able to believe in God 

When they do not have legs to walk with 

Or when a terminal cancer is spreading quickly through their body 

I don't know

How some people are able to believe in God 

When they have to visit their mother at a littered graveyard 

Or when they have to put their drunken father to bed at night 

I don't know 

How some people are able to believe in God

When a little girl's father's boss takes advantage of her when he is staying over for dinner

Or when a teenager is standing on the edge of a building, contemplating jumping 

I don't know

How some people are able to believe in God

When a hurricane takes away the homes of many 

Or when no one has a home to begin with

I don't know 

How some people are able to believe in God

When He allows so many horrible things

Happen to so many good people 

This, I will never understand. 

xxx

Talia

We Do Not Deserve This Kind of "Love"

Her translucent eyelids
Fluttered to a close
Exposing the veins that traveled through them
And he kissed each eye diligently  
His lips soft as they whispered I love you
And he promised her that day
That he would never hurt her again
As he stroked the forming black and blue on her cheekbone
And so she let him lay with her in bed
And hold onto her
Until he cried enough for the both of them.

xxxx

Talia 

A Beautiful Collection of Unknown Songs

                                                                Pollen by Mirah

Boats & Birds by Gregory & the Hawk

Corduroy by Jaymay  

I Found a Reason by Cat Power

xxx

Talia

What a World

And my little sister is so happy
Even when her friends are swimming on a hot summer day
And don't invite her to do so with them
She still smiles
Her bottom teeth crooked
And it makes me want to cry
Oh what a world
What a world we live in.

Daisy Chained Bracelets

Oh darling
You sit in your bedroom
Hair knotted and dirty
And hands that tremble so bad
That even a cigarette can not calm your constant nerves
You bite your tongue until you taste blood
And you will yourself not to cry
Because you are better than that
But no better than intentionally drawing blood from your pretty pale wrists
And you take care of those horrible cuts
With pretty bowed band-aids
Until you find yourself asleep on the floor
You do not shed one tear
But when your hand accidentally grazes the jagged end of the fence
On your way to the park the following morning
You cry for hours
And don't understand why.

Flowers

I do not understand
My undying love of flowers
I love the way their leaves curl
I love their variety of vibrant petals that adorn them
And I love their fresh floral scent that sends my toes curling
Perhaps my love of flowers
Derives from the love that I once felt for you
Because just like all of my flowers
My love for you died unexpectedly
On a sad summer morning
And I stood by the window
Not understanding why the birds still took flight, and hummed their tune
And 'till this day
Just like my never ending sequence of wilting flowers
You leave me wondering aimlessly outside my window

xxx

Talia

Your Heart is an Ice Cube on a Warm Summer Day

          What makes you think that you are special in any way, shape, or form?
          Please tell me dear child, for I'd like to know.
          What runs through your mind on a late summer night?
          When your bed sheets are tangled in your legs
          And you're sweating so much
          That you lick your lips in frustration
          And stick your head so far in the freezer
          That the tips of your hair turn into frost
          And you close your eyes and wish with every ounce of pixie dust you posess from your head to your                  toes
          That your head is not in a freezer
          But rather a gas oven
          So that you're cooked to absolute perfection
          Too bad the summer heat opts out this wonderful tactic.

       

You Stupid, Stupid Girl

Oh what a silly concept it is 
To cut into one's skin
And on purpose that is
But look here
Your chosen sharp item is already in your hand, baby girl 
And the tears are streaming down your face
You're screaming so loud 
But not a sound escapes from your lips 
And the blade, or the shard of glass, or the razor, or the broach that your grandmother gave to you when she passed away last May
Is pressing down onto your wrist 
Just do it, you curse yourself
The blood prickles, the crimson red rising from the cuts you just marked against your pale white skin
It lands onto your pretty white dress
And you rip that goddamn dress off
Because you hated it anyway 
Or so you tell yourself
Because lately you've been hating everything, and everyone
Including yourself
No, no
Especially yourself
And twiddling the blade 
Or the shard of glass
Or the razor
Or the broach that your grandmother gave to you when she passed away last May
With your long elegant fingers
You stash it away hastily in your pillow case
Until you need it's comfort once more
But for now, your knees are drawn into your bare chest
And you allow yourself to cry 
Until the morning comes along
And there is a loud knock on your bedroom door 
Willing you to come back to reality 
Even though this harsh cycle of depression 
Has become just that
Reality...

Sunday Blues

My feet are frigid
My nails bitten down to a stump
My hair is dried and tangled
My heart aches
From an unknown sadness
That is actually known
But I like to tell myself otherwise
Maybe it's because I'm afraid
Of finding the source
And killing it with my chattering teeth
Or maybe
Just maybe
It's the Sunday Blues
Pumping through my blue veins
Blue
Blue
Blue
Sunday
Blues

Home Alone, Mean and Sad Teachers, and Girls

           Hey guys. Doubt anyone in the world is reading this right now, due to the fact that I only have one follower. But still. It feels good to hear the click clack of  my keyboard. It feels good to write a normal blog post, even if no one is ever going to look at it. Sometimes it's alright to talk to yourself. Everyone else's input isn't really important anyway, now is it?
          I'm home alone right now, which scares me a bit to be honest. Even though I usually lock myself in my room, and distance myself from my family, and sometimes even my friends (via text), there's just something about hearing your mom cooking in the kitchen, banging pots and pans (not literally of course), and your sister complaining about her math homework, and your brother's crap music playing so loud you can't hear yourself think. It's comforting in a way, because even though I'm alone in my room, I'm not really alone.
          I just ate two Fruit Roll-Ups and failed at successfully tattooing my tongue (can anyone successfully give themselves a Fruit Roll-Up tongue tattoo? I mean come on folks, let's be serious here, the juicy power one holds is too much to tease the tongue with for 60 seconds. That crap has to be eaten). I downed my guilty pleasure with a Ssips, and was momentarily brought back to the lunchroom of my elementary school, and the horribly plump lady who was always there that the kids made fun of. Even though she was terrible, I still felt pretty bad for her. I mean, does she have someone to go home to? Someone that loves her? Someone that knows her favorite color, and someone that cooks her favorite meals on Fridays? Maybe that's why I asked her to sign my fifth grade year book. She was actually surprisingly nice about it. She looked a bit taken back, but also grateful that someone acknowledged her. It feels nice to be acknowledged.
           Anyway, I'm getting off topic. My mom was nice enough to let me stay home from school today, due to it being the first day of my period, and I feel like a gremlin is trying to break loose inside me. I just finished watching the first season of Girls, a show on HBO.

It was really, really good. I enjoyed it a lot. It made me laugh, it made me feel for the characters, and it didn't give me an unrealistic picture of what it's going to be like growing up. It was incredibly raw, and I just loved every awkward, yet somewhat relatable, aspect about this show. The characters were very different from each other, and they weren't perfect in any way, shape or form. They were flawed, and wonderful, and just...ugh. I totally recommend watching it if you don't mind raunchy sex scenes, nudity, and some cursing. I mean, come on guys, this is an HBO show we're talking about here. 

Well, I guess I'm going to wrap up this post now. I don't know if I'm hungry or not, but I may just make myself a sandwich and watch season 2 of Girls. 

Ciao. 

xxx

Talia 

Depression

With an old pair of steel scissors
He cut me open deeply
From the middle of my collarbone
Down to my stomach
Ripping away the two flaps of flesh that He created
He examined all I had to offer
A beating heart, with pretty blue veins, and scarlet red arteries attached to it
There were a lot of other pretty little things
That He probed gently, with those goddamn steel scissors
He showed interest in my lungs
My ribs
My liver
And my pancreas
Little by little He grabbed each and every thing He found to His liking
With His strong, bare hands
Little by little He took everything
When He was completed
He carelessly sowed my two flaps of flesh together
All the way back up to my collarbone
And I was left with nothing
As He walked away
I was empty.

xxx

Talia

Morning

I don't know why
I wake up so early in the morning
When my eyes are so heavy
As a result
I don't know why
I even bother
It's not even worth it
To suffer with the sadness
And the anxiety
It's all too much to handle
And I have no one to help me
Push through the day
I have no one
To make me look forward to tomorrow
Because it will just be the same routine

xxx

Talia

            I just don’t know who I am anymore. I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m empty, I’m lonely. I hate myself. I hate my face, and my body. Not only my scars that I can’t help but recreate, but my cellulite on the back of my legs and ass. The stretch marks on my thighs. The acne on my skin. The thinness of my eyelashes and lips, and the slope of my nose. I hate the fact that no guy has ever looked at me and thought, “Wow, she’s breathtaking. I’d love to get to know her.” I hate the way no guy ever looks at me, period. I hate how I can’t read all of the books in my closet as I once would’ve when I wasn’t consumed by what may possibly be depression. I hate how I’ve lost my identity as a writer, because you’re not a writer if you don’t write. I hate the thick eyeliner I’ve been putting on my eyes everyday because I’ve been waking up late every morning. I hate how I’m always tired. Every fucking day. I’m falling asleep by the middle of school, even when I go to bed at 9pm. I hate how I come in an 1 hour early to school and cry in the bathroom stall and then do downward dog for Yoga class. I hate that I’m only whispered to when someone needs an answer to a test. I hate how no one cares. How everyone puts my feelings aside. I hate the way people look at me, when they even do. How this one girl touched my shoulder today and asked me if I was goth. No. I’m not goth. I’m nothing. 
Get it right.

xxx
Talia

Trying

          Today I got out of my bed, despite me wanting to stay there for the rest of the day.

          Today I changed out of my pajamas, despite their comfort. 

          Today I made myself a cup of tea, until the teapot sung it's song. 

          And for someone who is a delicious meal for sadness to eat upon...

          These are all wonderful accomplishments. 

xxx

Talia

          Lately I have been feeling extra disgusted with myself. With my horrible acne-prone skin, my increasing weight (that I think I'm just losing control over), with the cellulite that coats the back of my legs and my ass. The scars the mark both of my stretch-marked thighs, my stomach, and my arms.
          It's as if all I can do these days is point out all of the bad things about myself- appearance wise and personality wise. I'm just so unhappy, and my emotions are spinning out of control. I can no longer ground myself.

xxxx

Talia

New Blog, New Me

          Well, I wonder how many other bloggers have used that title for their very first blog post. I'm guessing quite a few, but I have been lacking a great amount of creativity for the past year or so, and so this is the title you are getting. Deal with it.

          For those of you who don't know me, my name is Talia. I'm sure I'll do a more detailed post telling you all about me. I don't know how many people will actually be reading this blog, though. I'm guessing not a lot, considering it's a lot harder getting the word out about your blog nowadays. Back then I used to post a link to my old blog on Lisi Harrison's website every time I posted something new, and I was lucky enough to have a handful of girls click that link and actually read the words my brain produced, and what my heart felt the need to share with the world. However, my existence here on the internet is just about as important as my existence here in this world. 

             The answer to that: my existence isn't very important. 

             I used to have an old blog, as mentioned previously. But that consisted of the old Talia. Someone who read and wrote everyday, who loved sappy quotes and Sarah Dessen love stories. Someone who used a lot of exclamation points and caps lock to prove my point. Someone who loved life. I don't know where that girl went. She must have gotten lost in intervals as the years accumulated. I know for sure that I'm not that girl anymore. 

             People talk to me with words of sorrow whenever I tell them that. But I'm not sad about losing the old Talia. I knew I had to shed her some day or the other, so I think in some aspects I was prepared for this. What I was not prepared for was the extreme amount of sadness that was the price of losing who I once was. 

             So, there's one thing you have to learn about me before you consider following me. I'm not a happy person. I'm not going to write happy blog posts all the time. Actually, most of the time my blog posts will be extremely depressing. But not all. There will be the occasional post that will consist of happiness. Because there's actually something incredible that comes along with being sad- when you feel the slightest bit of happiness, you cherish it. You wrap it around your heart so tightly, you fear it might suffocate you. 

             Well, that's all for now. I can't wait to see where this blog will take me. My old one took me on an incredible journey. And who knows? Maybe this new blog will take me on another one. Maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be gone in a week or two. 

             We can only wait and see. 

xxx

Talia